WILD AT HEART

This Is My 'December'

Today is Dec 1... *sigh* My last month with my family... So many things to do this month - driving test, medical checkup, visa application, pre-departure briefing, sleepover at my grandparents', drift (still not certain), dance lessons, Christmas, shopping for clothes and shoes...oh yeah, I almost forgot! Meet up with my best friend in KL... =) Can't wait!! This is just my schedule, my parents and my brother even have their own programme this month - everybody's gonna be busy. I think that's great, keeping yourself busy, keeps your mind reeling and getting rid of distractions.

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
Said I been needin' you
I'm wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same
and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine
I want to cry sometimes
I miss you

~ Aaliyah - I Miss You ~

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My Driving Test

Just now I had my driving test, well, it was sorta like a pre-driving test. Not the real thing.

I did the circuit first. The hill was very good, but my S-parking was bad...the car bumper knocked one of the poles. Though the pole didn't topple, that is still considered a fail. So I failed the whole circuit test thingy. Then, I did my driving test. It was excellent! The best drive I had so far. =) Guess who my examiner was? Well, he's the boss of the driving institute. Fortunately I didn't know that till later, otherwise I would be trippin'. I asked my friend, he said his tester was one of the instructors there... I think having the boss as my tester was a blessing in disguise cos he gave me a PASS for my whole driving test! I don't know whether it was my excellent performance on the road that influenced his decision or was it my being attractive. Heheh...  =p Ok, now I'm being so vain...hehe...but you never know...it usually works. Which reminds me, my cousin asked me to act cute in front of the tester, surely pass... =)

But it could be my mum... Last night my mum told me that if I fail my driving test, she would be really mad with my driving instructor. Cos I'm supposed to have driving lessons everyday, but this week I only had it twice! So my mum wasn't happy. I felt bad when I heard that cos I think my instructor is a good teacher; I understood what he taught me. It doesn't stop there, she even doesn't want my brother to learn from him. Whoa! That's quite drastic don't you think? I don't want that just because of me, his job is at stake! Well, that's my mum - she has the capability to make or break anybody. ...so I guess my instructor understood my mum enough to pull some strings and asking favors from the boss to give me a pass. Well, I hope I didn't get a pass because of that. I would rather it be based on my driving skills. How am I suppose to know my potential, my limits...if someone is always there protecting me?...

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Thoughts on a 'Rainy' Day

I love looking at my blog. The falling snow never fails to mesmerize me. It's a pity that there's no snow in Auckland...I would love to feel the snow falling around me, just like the rain...hmm...it's raining outside... I realized three things can draw me out from my self-made cocoon - rain, snow and music. Rain and snow always bring out sad and painful memories. Music sometimes can too, if it's a sad song...but if it's a 'hot' song, heheh...I'd better not go there.  Which is why I'm growing to love my blog more and more, it feels so personal. My brother and I decided to each keep a diary, where we'll write everything that happens to us; all secrets revealed...and the next time we meet again, we'll both read each other's diary. I think it's a splendid idea since we're already each other's secret-keeper and we're not judging each other's actions. Which means, I won't write any extremely personal stuff in this blog anymore.

...It's sad right when a family has secrets, especially if they're dark ones. Or maybe if that secret involves the position of the family members in the eyes of society, or worse, their friends and associates. It just changes everything and nobody can be trusted cos you're afraid they might use you. And when they're done, they cast you aside. It's certainly very sad...because tendency is you'll feel insecure all the time; insecure about who you associate yourself with. This drives me nuts all the time...you want to tell somebody, but you just can't and in the end you keep it to yourself till it 'eats' your inner soul alive bit by bit, and you become a walking ghost.... Maybe that's why my brother becomes my secret-keeper or my walking diary, but pity him, I mean he has his own problems and I don't want to burden him with other problems; he's too young to carry the 'world' on his shoulder. Don't want the same thing to happen to him.

Everytime I go for drives with my family, I enjoy looking at houses and try to imagine the occupants in each houses...their lives, their problems...it's amazing how a house could shelter everything that happens in the house from the outside world. But once the occupants are out of the house, exposed to the world, everything changes...you have to conduct yourself well in public, behave according to your status. I don't believe in just being yourself in front of people, what abosolute crap! That only goes to a certain extent. Society's protocol always determines how we should act. And your actions often affects the rest of the family; it's society's tendency to make sweeping judgment.

So, I'm very sorry to my acquaintances who think I'm superficial / pretentious / fake / not trustworthy... I just have difficulty trusting people in handling who I am. But my family and close friends are exceptional - they could handle me pretty well and I thank them for accepting me as who I am. I'm sure you know who you are.  Thank you from the very bottom of my heart... And to my dear brother, a BIG HUG from me. Hehehe.... I just pray that nothing comes between us. Remember the story we created? I just hope it won't happen like that. I would rather it be based on our bond than on our duty towards our handlers. (Just in case you people are wondering what the hell am I saying here...don't bother. It's just a symbolic story my brother created.)

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Changes

Past experiences have certainly changed my personalities. No more the innocent, naive girl I used to be for the past 19 years. I just realized it now. My taste of music has totally changed and my perception of things around me have also changed.

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My First Taste of Alcohol

Ok, I've already change the layout, but the color I still maintain. Somehow black seems to reflect my emotions. And I've also changed the title of my blog.

I forgot to mention, 2 nights ago, I tried to drink the rice wine (belongs to my father). I was thinking why some people consume alcohol to forget their problems or miseries, so I tried it. I just managed to drink two mouthfuls. Urgh! The smell was so horrible!! First whiff of it, I nearly got choked. When it entered my mouth, I could feel the gas filling my mouth, then when I swallowed it, there was a burning sensation that fills my whole body. After the second gulp, I can't take it anymore, so I threw the rest away. Mind you, I wasn't drunk, I just don't like the taste! My worries didn't go away leh...hmm...maybe 2 gulps of alcohol is not enough to drown my sorrows. Heee.....

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New Beginning?

I wanna change the layout for my blog and also the title before next year. A new beginning.  And maybe less morbid? Hehe... That is, if all this while I'm writing morbid stuff. Hmm.... I still haven't decide what color I would choose...kinda like black already...

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Bits of here and there

Last night I couldn't sleep again... So I secretly use the internet again. Hehe...

I feel that though I know the basics of driving, but I'm becoming more and more reckless.  Like yesterday, my instructor brought me on the road...let me highlight my mistakes:

1. going against the STOP sign
2. sudden brake
3. no signalling

If this persists and I fail my driving test, my mum will kick my butt for sure! Heehee... *sigh* But I feel so FREE when I'm behind the wheels. After I'm being commented by my instructor, I slowed down and drove very carefully until he himself fell asleep. Hehe...that's how smooth my driving is.

I can't wait to go back to 'school', I feel my brain is rotting away because of no proper info input. Heee...

Today my brother is sitting for his Additional Maths. I revised with him last night and I realised 'Whoa!', I've forgotten so many formulas and the methods of solving some questions. Geez...what have I learned all these years?? Just 'Poof!', gone like that!...in like how many months? SIX!! For goodness sake! I hope we're not taking Maths after this cos I don't notice any Maths subject in our timetable...

...sometimes I wonder whether pain will heal with the passing of time, whether we really get over it and move on...or are we just delaying the process of healing by not doing anything...

I LOVE blogging. Enables me to express my thoughts in words and keep me occupied. Stay in touch with the inner feelings...

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My Own Quote

"We can never move on with our life.  But what we can do is to exert in our work or throw ourselves in danger's path.  It's either to forget the pain or to prove that we're not weak." - Audrie

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My Driving

I'm going to have my driving test next week...well...it's more to a pre-driving test. Kinda scaryyy!! I think so far, my driving is ok. Though I do knock down poles (hehe...usually happens on my first round of driving), I believe I can do it. I just love climbing up the hill, it's quite adrenaline-pumping especially when I skid down the hill. Heheh... Yesterday, the car I used for my third and fourth round was quite lousy. Nice car but the handbrake is just too tough! I have to use both hands. Urgh! The first time it was ok, I managed to pull the handbrake, but to bring it down is tiring...I mean it was supposed to be one hand on the handbrake and the other hand control the steering wheel. So if both my hands are used on the handbrake, it's going to be really tough! Ok, like I said, first time round, I managed to do it...I skidded down the hill, I could feel the back wheels were smoking. Whoa! I get so excited and I've decided I LOVE cars. Absolutely LOVE them! I now have no phobias of driving... Cheers to me!  I just can't wait to drift with my brother at the beach. One thing I'd like to add: DON'T drift if there's no one experienced to teach you. It'll just kill you! My brother drifted before and he was willing to bring me spinning. WOHOO!!!!! Ah, of course I can't tell my parents...hehe...

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My First Marriage Proposal

I can't believe I got a marriage proposal from someone very far away. And I turned him down. Hehe. I mean it's too fast, why is he rushing into marriage anyway? We've just known each other, then "WHAM!" Come to Egypt and marry me. And then he asked for my account number. What the hell? He wants to send me dowry is it?... When I turned down his proposal, he was pretty crushed. Well, I apologised but what else I'm supposed to say? I have other priorities. Before that, he asked to be my boyfriend and I said I would think about it. Not that I'm interested or anything, I just don't know how to say no. I thought the longer I delay, he would forget or something. Then 2 days later, he wants to marry me. What the hell?! ...

I couldn't sleep yesterday night, so many things on my mind. Not the marriage thing, it's just something else... Something I thought I'm over with, but it seems I'm not. I found out something very disturbing yesterday and I thought I feel crushed but I wasn't. I wasn't at all devastated, just angered, sad and all the mixed feelings. It just confuses me... confuses me... all the time...

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...............

My brother and I plan to drift on the beach next month, after his exams and I'm sooo thrilled!!!  Now I'm working very hard to learn the basics in driving. Then, it'll be pushing the limits. Hehehe...

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Blue

If it's wrong to tell the truth, what am I supposed to do...

All I wanna do, is speak my mind...

If it's wrong to do what's right, I'm prepared to testify...

If loving with all my heart's a crime...

Then I'm guilty...

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I hate this!

My heart... chamber of secrets... the key is the essence... I hate what happened for the past two mornings... he definitely enjoyed it, but not me... it's really tough being an entertainer... I'm definitely not looking forward to going online... for fear of the same thing...

I can love with all of my heart baby,

I know I have so much to give,

With a PLAYER like you, I don't have a prayer...

everything's a game, only the best player wins...and I'm determine to be the BEST! THE BEST!!!!!! ...............

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The Untold Secrets...Why Do Men Pay For Sex?

This is another article that I've read and I would like to share this with you guys...

The number fo men paying for sex has nearly doubled in a decade.  Many men who engage in paid sex activities are married and claim to love their wives.  Why then do so many men pay for sex?

THE FINDINGS

The study concluded that men who go to prostitute have different perspective in mind.  These men can be categorised into separate group:

• A straightforward business-like way, with no emotional invovement with a sex worker
• To get involve emotionally with a sex worker
• To have "good sex"
• Like the convenience of sex without any commitments - physical pleasure without the responsibility of a relationship
• Companionship
• To relieve sexual frustration or sexual release
• To have fun and excitement

WHY DO THEY DO IT?

Physical Satisfaction

According to the survey, nearly 80 percent of men said they visited brothels due to a high sex drive, with the next most common response is a desire for sexual variety.  In other words, some men go to prostitutes is purely a physical relief that paying for sex was LESS complicated than having sex with a partner while others say they don't have time for a genuine relationship and paying for sex is purely a business relationship - paying a woman for a sexual encounter with no complications at all!

Emotional Support For An Inadequacy

Psychologists found out that the socially-inept men go to prostitutes for sex because they know it's difficult to form a normal relationship with prostitutes.  Generally, when men eventually go to prostitutes, it's because their relationships with their wife or partner has become a defacto.  Or, men with difficulties in social interaction may escape into using prostitutes, rather than developing social skills.  However, in effect, this can cost them a fortune, spending all their money to support an inadequacy within themselves.

Liberal Attitudes

In today's world, there has been a more liberal attitude towards commercial sex and increasing commercialisation of sex such as magazines are bombarded with images.  Many men are meeting new partners abroad, on the Internet and cheaper international travel means people had more opportunities to buy and sell sex.  Therefore, experts warn that if people are going to countries where prostitution is legalised with easy access to paid sex, they ought to bear in mind of possible risks - issue such as sexually transmitted diseases.

Addicted To Sex?

Sure, some men need to satisfy their urge for HIGH SEXUAL DESIRE almost daily! Men who go to prostitutes range from all social classes.  Once it becomes a full-blown addiction, most want it to stop but feel they can't have control over it! Most men would think that if they are getting satisfied somewhere else, they don't have to be intimate with their own partner because they aren't good at intimacy.

Like any addiction, the motivation behind it can become muddied, just as heroin addicts develop a love for the ritual-like needle preparation! Most prostitution addicts are often more excited by the planning than they are by the sex act itself.  The sex itself actually doesn't do much for them.  It's the planning and preparation - the selecting of brothel, the drive to that building, the selection of girls - it's the anticipation.

Putting Down The Masks

The study concluded to the demonstrating that men go for paid sex not only for sexual activities that their partner does not provide, but also to fulfill certain psychological needs, such as the need for intimacy and excitement.  This specific group of men should be the target of health promotion campaigns, regular health check-ups and screening initiatives.  Meanwhile, the 2006 Men's Health Forum advised the public to target men in general, starting with school-based sex education and mass media campaigns.

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Are You A Sex Goddess?

This is an article I read and which I find very interesting...

You've Got the Right Attitude

In the 1970s, famous sexologists Master and Johnson discovered that sexual pleasure involves the brain as much as the body.  They proclaimed sex as "psychophysiological ", which basically means that if you've got the right attitude, the physical rewards will be substantial.  So, what is required to reach the climax of sexual satisfaction? There are three main traits: KNOWLEDGE (a solid understanding of how your body and your partner's body work), EXPERIENCE (practice makes perfect) and an OPEN MIND (the ability to let go of inhibitions, not judge and not worry about what you look like).  And of those three, maintaining an open mind is the most crucial.

You Play Games

Sex is supposed to be fun - and games aren't just for children.  The more playful you are in bed, the higher you'll be rated.  If this is not you, learn from your neighbour's sexy wife: Loosen up a little, laugh a lot, drop the inhibitors and let your imagination run wild.

You Make the First Move As Often As Possible

One of the most common male complaints is "SHE NEVER INITIATES SEX".  If you always wait for your partner to instigate sex, you're seriously missing out.  Initiating sex when you don't usually do so can unzip even the most sluggish of libidos.  Your partner will be caught pleasantly off-guard, and you'll get a buzz from taking the power position.

You Keep Your Genitals Fit

A six-pack might be sexy, but far more impressive are tight PC muscles.  Regular kegel exercises or also known as vaginal squeeze exercises (repetitively squeezing the muscle you use to cut off the flow of urine), makes virtually any sex position heaven for him - and for you! After all, the tighter your vagina, the more sensation you'll feel as well.

Your Foreplay Lasts Twice As Long As Intercourse

It's not just women who love foreplay - men love it, too! If you've stopped thinking of intercourse as "sex" and foreplay as the stuff you do before intercourse, pat yourself on the back.  You've recognised that intercourse doesn't have to end when that part of it is over.  Hands and tongues are far more dextrous that an erect penis and are just as useful for producing pleasure.

You Put In the Effort

A good lover accepts that just as our bodies and faces age over time, needing more work to keep them looking good, so do our sex and love lives.  We all tend toward the presumption that good sex magically "just happens" but that's not even close to the case.  Being a good lover means do whatever it takes to stay interested in each other.

You Laugh Off Any Embarrassments

Sex is smelly, noisy, sweaty and unflattering.  And if you've never done anything in bed that caused you the slightest bit of embarrassment, you win the award to 'The World's Most Boring Lover'.  The World's Best Lover had had semen in her hair, broken wind at the worst possible moment, and fallen on her face with her knickers around her ankles.  If your reaction to any of these things is "Who cares, the sex is worth it!", you've got the right idea.

You Say "No" Without Feeling Guilty

A great lover knows it's okay to not have - or even want - sex all the time.  Forget the movies; everyone's libido waxes and wanes based on hormones, stress levels, children and health.  Most men would prefer you to say "no" rather than begrudgingly perform on demand.  And the unpredictability of occasionally saying "no" could actually make your sex life more exciting, because the minute sex becoumes automatic, you lose the thrill of it.  So, how to say "no" without offending? Don't say no, say something like, "Let's wait until weekend so we don't have to rush and can really enjoy it".

You Speak Up

Mouth are not just for kissing; they are for telling each other what turns you on and what doesn't.  Just keep your suggestions positive.  And if you're feeling especially brave, ask him to open up first.  Would he like more or less pressure when you're touching him? Which technique feels best? He'll be flattered you're interested in learning what excites him - and more inclined to ask you where he can improve.

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Gunslinger Girl 2

Everybody faces problems in their lives. The only difference is the impact the crisis has on us and how we deal with it. Those who are used to live a fairly comfortable life might easily be crushed by major crisis, but those who always have problems in their lives, one crisis after another, might be numbed by them, thinking that it is something common. What is life without a few 'excitements'?...

And I'm the latter. Everyday I face my personal problems, family problems etc. head-on (just like the picture below). Speaking based on my own experiences, problems do not come only to 'good' people, EVERYONE is affected. And living in the last days, this is something to be expected. The problems I faced in my own life always seem to feel like those in the movies; I've never thought I myself would one day encounter something that similar. 'Problems', if seen on its on, is something negative, but we could change it to be something positive. 'Positive problems' can help you to toughen up mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

So to those out there who are experiencing problems, DO NOT be disheartened. If you could solve it, that would be great. But not all problems can be totally solved, so usually TIME helps.

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Gunslinger Girl

Sleeping awake and awake when I'm sleeping 
I've gotta dry kinda thirst when drenched
On sunny days all I can see is a shadow 
and I'm not above being under 
And I'm at the brink though I know that I'm empty 
and I always hide when its my turn to seek 
my only believe is not to have faith in believing 
before I begin I'm over 
 
(chorus) 
Broken off again 
and I'm only not lonely when I'm lonely by myself 
Numb in pain again I always back track forward 
cuz all I know I'm Disconnected 
 
Quietly loud while I'm noisily silent 
keep holding my breath when I'm trying to breath 
swimming against all of the waves and the rapids 
I only win when I'm losing 
 
(Chorus) 
 
I just wanna live my life sedated 
Cuz I love driving myself away 
Dysfunctionally sane don't give a damn 
I cant comprehend what I understand 
Disconnected